You can't live until you die. You can't quit until you try

084 + Why would you wanna save my life? I know you did all you could...

2008-05-12T11:51:09Z

...She's back.

She's back.

Now that I know, I'm aware of it in the same fashion that one could be aware of having a stake through one's chest cavity.

~~I wonder if she remembers... everything.~~

Farfarello.... two things.
One, I'm never taking you seriously again.
Two... ~~Get over here~~ Get over here.

083 + Send a heartbeat to the voice that cries through you...

2008-05-08T11:50:13Z

...The city has been in turmoil since those T-virus creatures were released. The monsters were afraid. When monsters are afraid, everyone should at least look over their shoulder.

Now it's the end of the world.

The end of this world?

The end of our world?

What happens when it ends? Do we go home? Seperated again?

...I refuse.

082 + There's a lit cigarette in the hand of my new angel

2008-05-05T11:12:31Z

If you have thoughts, can be touched, and can touch others, you exist. If you can process your own thoughts without logic, you most certainly can exist, and I only say that because obviously many of the people here do not use logic or common sense. Mankind is not accomplished enough to determine what exists and what does not, or, indeed, what life is worth living.

So I'll thank you not to judge my existence as a puppet, Farfarello, before I go back to it.

Any questions? Comments? Concerns from those not mentioned? Please leave your name and address that I may hunt you down and stab you when you're asleep and when you're awake. If you comment without an address, I'll just hunt you down anyway.

It's a small city. Not too many places I don't know of at this point.

Let the hunt begin.

[Private; Unhackable]
Justified.

Tch... Akatsuki, what right have they? Honestly...

Maybe it's high time to cut some well-deserved throats.

081 + I could be cold, I could be ruthless. You know I could be just like you

2008-04-30T16:17:30Z

.... Damn it.

...Damn it...

...

[Private]
I don't like this. Not knowing what to do. Not knowing what to say. I hate this.

It's times like this that remind me just exactly why I carved out my heart.

If you can't feel human emotions, you aren't obligated to feel like you have to make things better. Therefor, you don't struggle for the right words. Therefor, you don't get frustrated when someone you care about goes back into his unhappy mindplace. Zack is easy; hug and pat on the back, maybe chocolate, and a doll. I was trained to assist men. This is infinitely harder.

080 + Your cruel device, your blood, like ice. One look could kill. My pain, your thrill...

2008-04-28T11:17:17Z

It baffles me how much corn, potatoes and cabbages, are put to use in this house. Really. ~~But, if it means there's no rats in the happy-drinks...~~ Cabbage, I don't mind. I like pickled cabbage. Corn and potatoes? Not so much.

Oh, unless it's those little tiny midget corns that come in Asian food. Because I love those. Especially deep-fried. They're very good dipped in teriyaki sauce.

In the name of science, I have decided to try and figure out just how many things are good dipped in chocolate sauce. The results are not for the faint of stomach. I haven't started yet, but some of the ideas I'm getting are pretty gross.

SOLDIER
I need someone to help test my new security ideas. Step right up, don't be shy.

079 + You think love is to pray. I'm sorry, I don't pray that way.

2008-04-25T12:59:45Z

[Farfarello]
Claire is going to give me a vial of her blood to heal my stomach. Hopefully, this will be a permanant solution. I'm going over to her house and I want you to come with me. -Please.

Also, I'm going shopping on the upper level; anything you need?

[Suzaku]
Respond. This has gone on for far too long.

So many lies, so much pain... The afterlife is not so different from our worlds as it seems. Blood, turmoil, anger, hurt, people come against each other like gongs, and all are affected in some way, shape, or form. Is this not how it is in the living world?

Yet, in the end, I do not think we could be closer to anyone than we are to each other. Hmm?

So, a question: Would you want to live in your own world with your friends you have made here?

078 + I'm not dead, just floating

2008-04-24T11:33:42Z

Attention Citizens:

There has apparently been an upscale in your daily complaining margin. I must ask that you all kindly cut it the heck out.

Now, as some of you may know, everyone has a daily complaint percentage of 28%. No more, no less. Spend wisely. Think of it as an allowance. If you over-spend, it will be taken ~~out of your skin~~ out of tomorrow's allowance, and, for some of you, that means you wouldn't be able to complain for an entire month. Whatever will you do? I have no idea. Purgatory would be overturned and consumed in fire and water.

I don't know about you, but I'm not much of a swimmer.

[Private to SOLDIER]
I need a ~~test subject~~ few
people to help me test some new
security theories. Injuries
should be minor and will be healed
by yours truly. One of two people
should suffice. Come on, now, don't
be shy.

077 + Wait, I'm coming undone

2008-04-21T11:12:20Z

That was insane, and I am never doing it again.

Someone take note that Akasuna no Sasori, at 0704 hours on Monday morning decided he was never, ever going to "pop into" a ball ever again. Nevermind that my straitjacket was comfortable.

First to make a crazy joke gets a needle in the eye, and it won't be from me.

[PRIVATE: Unhackable]

Here again. Both of them. Could this get any worse? Honestly...
But, as the blond one seems to be a raging idiot, that just gives me even more of an excuse not to talk to him. Hnn...

Uchiha, on the other hand... I want to know what Pein told him. If any of them comes within ten feet of myself, Farfarello or River... or even Cissnei... Hmph. I don't care how long I'm punished.

Gut still hurts. Hasn't gone away, although the medicine helps a little. Thanks to that selfish little rodent, I have to think of some new way to deal with it. I wonder if it counts as a life-threatening disease, owing to the fact that I could get anemic from coughing up so much blood.

[[ooc: So, feel free to have your character comment about Farfarello and Sasori running around the ball in straitjackets with the sleeves buckled to each other's. Forget joined at the hip; joined at the sleeve ftw]]

076 + The agonized cries of this world make the baby within giggle with glee

2008-04-17T20:07:24Z

Well. That was certainly interesting, to say the least. To think Lin could get that angry in such a short amount of time, only to be pacified by a hug.

Wow. ~~"Easy", anyone?~~

Unfortunately, I won't be attending the ball.

Fortunately, that saves several people several moments of harassment.

Unfortunately, I need to convince Farfarello to stay home with me. Shouldn't be too hard. Farfarello: I have knives and I have needles. Please stay home with me.

Also... ~~would anyone be willing to volunteer to become a human puppet? No charge~~ I need to go shopping on the upper level for some supplies.

Claire. May I borrow a leg? They grow back, don't they?

[[ooc: strikes hackable only to Farfarello. Also, I decided he would have gone away just for those days I was gone, so he'll show up with a lovely scar on his stomach. Yummm. Not.]]

075 + Things I loved before are now for sale. Keep yourself away, far away from me

2008-04-14T02:31:59Z

The Rules
# Leave me a comment saying "interview me."
# I will respond by asking you five questions.
# You will update your journals with the answers to the questions.
# You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post.
# When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.

My Interview:
1 - What is your favorite hobby? Art; all kinds. Painting, sculpture, drawing, sketching, wood carving especially.
2 - Favorite kill method? I like to peel folks' skin back when they're still alive, remove their muscles and organs except for the heart and chakra center, and turn them into a puppet.
3 - If I tie you down tonight, would you like it? Yes, but I hope you're aware that this question made me not want to post my answers on my journal.
4 - What's the first thing you learnt as a ninja? How to focus chakra and manipulate it to do various things.
5 - What came first - glazed or sprinkles? Sprinkles. They invented the glaze to have something for the sprinkles to stick to.

And just so everyone knows, my interview was with Farfarello, and the third question doesn't apply to anyone but him. Sorry to disappoint. [/sarcasm]

074 + [VOICE/TEXT] How's the weather? How's my father? Am I lonely heavens no. Mother mother

2008-04-12T23:07:24Z

[VOICE]
*transmission clicks on to Sasori yelling quite hysterically, very much out of breath*

MY BABY IS GONE, YOU GUYS!!

I HAVEN'T SEEN HER IN A WHILE SO I WENT OVER TO SEE WHERE SHE WAS AND SHE WAS GONE!!

*a pause while he pants a couple times*

...

GRIMMJOW DID YOU EAT HER LIKE YOU ATE POTATO?!

[TEXT]
~~My baaabyyy...~~

I should be able to get back up to the upper level today... Zack, can you give me a hand?

073 + [VOICE/TEXT] And I can't sleep. I need to tell you good-night...

2008-04-11T03:57:58Z

[Screened Voice Post]

[Transmission on]

I c - fuck. Fuck! *he struggles for a few minutes, sniffling loudly, before banging his fist on the table top*

Why does this keep happening to me...?

[Transmission off]

[Screened Text Post]

suzaku... he... thays' not mya suzaku naymore... how did this happen? I wanted to moake tjings better so i coudl go home thins weeken abd it just blew yup and... just... fuck...

hy does this keep happening? i thought thyis was different, that he wiussln't leave mne ever... that he was just mine. all mine.

'kay, gonna try and type like a normal person. And actually peroofread.

...Far, Cissneu, rIVER, and... that other guy. Umm... it okay if I stay a liettl while longer?

zack larxene I nreed... a couple dayse off work.

072 + Can you forgive me again? I don't know what I said, but I didn't mean to hurt you...

2008-04-11T01:23:18Z

*The transmission clicks on. And there's a long pause, before he finally speaks. His voice is strained, as though trying to fight emotions, pain, anger, exhaustion, all at once. Which he is.*

...I must speak with you...

071 + [VOICE/TEXT] And you know that accidents can happy and it's okay, we all fall off the wagon...

2008-04-09T19:39:23Z

*the transmission clicks on to Sasori breathing heavily, and the sounds of him hitting his head on the desk top a few times. He's in obvious physical pain, and trying not to scream or shout. After a pause, there's the sound of something heavy being picked up, and then a sickening crunch, like bones breaking. He makes a quick, repressed cry of pain, like he's pressing his lips together over it, and then exhales sharply, before the transmission clicks out.*

...Zack, buy me some aspirin and we'll call it even.

[[OOC: So, in order for Zack to share some memories with Aerith, Sasori offered one of his own for exchange. He's forgotten that he killed the Sandaime Kazekage, his teacher, and made him into a puppet. Also, he gave his pain medication for the rest of the week to Schuldig, so his ulcer pain is back for now. He used a hammer to break two of his fingers to try and distract himself from the pain.]]

070 + ...by falling in love with him. I complicated our lives, now I'm losing my only friend...

2008-04-07T22:35:04Z

Private

[[ooc: for those who wish to hack this, please read: this text is FILTERED FROM anyone Sasori dislikes. This means Shu (sorry), Wesker, Hojo, Sayuri, etc. If you know he dislikes you, or if he doesn't even know you, you can't read it. Also, if ZACK should try and read it, he would only see a note saying he should go pay attention to Cherry. That is all~]]

Why, why, why couldn't I say anything? Why? He did what I asked. He told me how he felt. Why couldn't I say anything? What about all those reasons I had? Where did they go?

Did I misunderstand something? Did I miss something? I thought I knew everything. Every detail, every hurt. Yet I missed something so... crucial. Do we both hide where we hurt? Are we so similar, yet so different?

I formed that argument myself. I know I did. I wanted to fight with him so I could work out my own reasoning. But there is no reasoning. I was thinking about me. I can't hold onto both of them at the same time, but if either of them tries to leave me, I'd probably rip out their kneecaps.

Hindsight's supposed to be real damn good stuff, but I still can't forumlate a clear answer in my head. I have so many things I need to say, want to say, but no clear way to form them.

You're different from them. I love you differently. I want you to always be there. Why are you making this seem tainted? Why can't you be happy for me? Why can't you try and get along? Why can't you understand that I can love two people so strongely, but not have them overlap? I don't want you to feel threatened.

Everything sounds so accusing, when I know I'm the one at fault. Now I'm in too deep, and I wouldn't go back for anything. If they got along, I would be perfectly happy. Is that selfish of me? He seems to think so.

Maybe I should spend my extra week by myself. Sort things out when there isn't someone to run to. When I'm down here, I'm content enough to think that maybe I wouldn't want to move back up. But I know I will want to. If I weren't fighting with Suzaku, I would want to, in the back of my mind. I don't want to spend the time with either of them, wanting the other. That's too cruel.

I don't want to think about this... I know I have to, but I don't want to right now. I like where I am right now.

I'd like to make a general announcement.

The next person to use sparkles, sing, use huge text without a cut, use blindingly colorful text without a cut, or to be disgustingly happy to the point where it seems to smack viewers in the eyeball... I'm going to stab you.

I mean it. Stab. You. Somewhere nasty. Like in the pancreas - painful organ, that. This is the final warning. If you wake up one morning and see a midget redhead staring in your window, you so had it coming to you.

End of announcement.

Oh, wait, one more.

Everyone, be really, really careful about the food Farfarello gives you. You never know what the hell is in it. ~~Jerk.~~ The Irish Gold has been declared safe for now, but the brownies? Not so much.

069 + Blow a kiss that leaves me gasping. And I wanna feel that lightning strike me and burn me down

2008-04-06T15:27:50Z

I kind of missed the lower level. Just a little. No sun waking me up ever so rudely, no stupid flowers to trip over if I wander around trying to go to work but am still half-asleep. And I don't have to run home after work.

~~Now as soon as I'm inspired enough to get out of bed, we'll be in business...~~

Alright, let's see... People who owe me dances - just because I'd rather have a list; don't feel obligated, although I will chase you down if you don't...
-Suzaku*
-Farfarello*
-Claire*
-Zack if he's going
-Kuronue, at least one
-Miwako
-Nel, if she's going.
-Kadaj*
-LIN******************

If there's a star next to your name it means you absolutely have to dance with me.

And I guess if you want to dance with me and are not on the list, I'll do my best without stepping all over your feet. No promises, though.

[[ooc; Far-mun, I hope you don't mind that I just said he went down. But to anyone else, Sasori's gonna be on the lower level for a while. At least two weeks. So, yeah, if you have any beef with him, take it there.]]

068 + You think love is to pray. I'm sorry I don't pray that way...

2008-04-05T18:10:37Z

....Ball.

~~Oh, lord, this will be difficult.~~

I still can't dance to save my life, but I'm willing to go. Stand on someone's feet while I dance, I guess.

...

...

~~Maybe I should make this like a race. First one between the two of them to comment can be my official date. Ready, set, go.~~

[[ooc; strikes semi-hackable]]

067 + Goodbye to everything I thought I knew. You were the one I loved, that I tried to hold on to

2008-04-04T15:04:36Z

[Private 1]
...Can I stay at your place this week?
I know we talked about it but I figured
I'd ask in case you changed your mind.

[Private 2]
...Why am I in such a bitch?
I have no logical reason to be.
My house is clean.
I have art supplies.
Suzaku is home.
Why am I in such a bad mood?

Schuldig, I'll bring the medicine around sometime soon. I also have sleep medication if you want it.

Also Claire. That thing was a one-time sparkly deal. Never doing it ever again. Got it?

And no, to the rest of you, this does not count against my battle with the sparkles.

066 + Give unto me all that frightens you. I'll have your nightmares for you if you sleep soundly

2008-04-03T00:20:37Z

Unhackable

There is fear in the air. Crush it. Manipulate it. Make it your own.

Listen. Your body cries out in protest. Agony doesn't come close.

Breathe. The poisonous fumes of doubt will suffocate you.

Move. Confuse them. Irritate them. Let them make mistakes.

Want it, crave it, need it, love it, crush it, smash it, burn it.
Sadistic, sadistic, stimulate my heart

I can't laugh like I used to
I'm not the same person who loved him
Not the same child who held him as he crumbled to dust.

That pain in my arm - I can still feel it today. Where you grabbed me and made me swear - swear to live. I only thought one thing - How can I live without you? That became my sickness, my obsession. I never wanted it to stop hurting. I never wanted to let go of that feeling. No matter how often I ripped open my skin, you were never there.

Now it doesn't hurt. I go days without thinking of you. My mind is full of different people. Is this okay? Is it ok to forget you? Once, you were my whole world. Now you collect dust. This isn't right - yet it is. Isn't it? This is what you wanted for me, isn't it?

So much is based on guesswork. So much I won't ever learn. If everything happens for a reason, was I born to meet you, to have you become my reason for existence, only to have you snatched away? Is it right that I find other people to live for? Can I do that?

I don't know... I don't understand. Has it been so long? Or do I really not understand you? I thought I knew everything about you. Your pains, your aches, your loves, your everything. I thought I knew all of your reactions, how you felt about everything. I preserved everything I remember of you. Now... I search, and I see nothing. I reach out, and touch nothing but smoke and ash. These material bodies I cling to, their heartbeats in my ear, their hair, their smells, their skin - all of that I need; I am so pathetic that I need other people in order to survive. But still, I would give it all up just to be able to hold your hand and have your fingers flex around mine once more.

No... That's not entirely true. That's built from a longing I've had since I was a child. It's a sad, cruel world, where the people you miss the most, only move when you make them.

I don't understand... My art hasn't changed. I still make puppets. The puppet of Schuldig is complete. But these people - Suzaku, Farfarello, Zack, Miwako, Claire, Lin, and even little Cherry, I wouldn't dare make puppets even in their likenesses. Dolls, yes. Puppets, no. Why? Is it only after I lose someone that I need to recreate them? Maybe.

I have a question, open to the general public. Say someone close to you dies. Is it ok, after a year, two years, maybe, say, twenty years, to feel as though they've been replace? No. Not replaced, just... that their space has finally been filled? Should you feel guilty, glad, or sad?

It's interesting. Twenty years later, lord knows how many memories later, how many lovers, fights, tormenting, I feel like I've moved past something.

065 + Let's pretend you're mine. We could just pretend! You got what I like, I got what you like

2008-04-02T01:23:52Z

.....~

Zack's ~ and ~ Namama's ~ baby ~ Cherry ~ !

I'm going to see her in a couple days, I guess. Give or take how long Zack will probably bug me about it.

Far, you're coming with me. Okay? Just in case I lose feeling to my legs.
And just because.

Anyway, I'm going to bring baby clothes I've been making, and food. What's Namama-mama hungry for, Zack? I'll bring whatever she likes. Leave cooking to me, you guys just think about Cherry.

...

....

......

Zack ~ and ~ Namama's ~ baby ~ Cherry ~ !!!

064 + The world is not enough, but it is such a perfect place to start, my love...

2008-03-31T13:20:01Z

So I hear there was some commotion on the lower level last night. Sasori, here, was asleep in bed and didn't notice.

Well, that said: Farfarello, Schuldig, Cissnei, Claire, Kuronue and anyone else I give a flying fuck for down there - drop me a line or I will go pawing through bodies. Not fun, and a rather distracting endeavor. And if you aren't listed here, it's because you're supposed to live on the upper level and I assumed you would not be so stupid as to go down there last night.

[Private to Shu:]
I feel I must take up
a moment of your time
to discuss one of your
staff. Please reply
when you have a moment.

In other news, has anyone besides me tried those cheesecake cupcakes? They're really awesome. Three layers. Chocolate, lemon and strawberry. Or you can get them separately. It's sooo goood.

EDIT: I forgot about the Host Club entirely. I'll just go next time. Sorry about that, I guess.

063 + [VOICE/TEXT] The sky cannot ignore us. No one can separate us for we are all that is left...

2008-03-30T14:50:29Z

[the transmission clicks on and there's some shuffling around in bedroom slippers, dresser drawers opening and closing while he sings, to the tune of "Merrily We Go Around"]

Suzaku's coming home today, home today, home today...~

[there's a pause while he gets dressed; the only indication of this is a few buckles snapping, and some swearing at 'stupid boots with weird-ass straps that have nothing to do with it's fastening make-up'; then he's heard clumping around]

Suzaku's coming home today, home today, home today~ Suzaku's coming home today, home today~

[the voice transmission clicks off; text begins now]

Suzaku's coming home today!

May I just say that that was the longest week of my life?

But my Suzaku is coming home today...~

Semi-hackable: To-do list

- Change sheets
- Clean bathroom
- Make dinner; peking duck w/stir-fry vegetables
- Finish Claire's painting
- Clean out Marmoset's box
- Laundry

062 + So serious, I've got to take you home again tonight 'cause right now you paralyze me

2008-03-28T21:49:35Z

...NOOO!

MY BOOBS! MY BEAUTIFUL BOOBS!! WHERE HAVE YOU GONE?!

...Hey.

I'm taller now~

Hmph. Stupid bra and panties....

Okay, that's better. Back to my former glory.

And, suddenly, I hate shopping again. Isn't that great? I did get about ten pairs of boots and shoes; they're jumbled up in the floor of my closet.

Claire, should you want to see it, I have your painting finished. It came out very nicely. I also started painting that one that I showed you before. That came out even nicer.

So here's a question, for everyone:
If you could bring back one thing from your world, or one person, what would it be and why?

061 + My hands are tied because I live and die by the gun

2008-03-28T12:58:45Z

Okay, kids, let's have a lesson in psycho-speak, should that incident ever repeat it's self.

And by the way, for the record, I am not a drag queen, nor would I ever act like one.

First of all, and this goes to Lin mainly. Stay the fuck away. Like, wow, really. Could you not understand that? Like my protests? Jeez...

Second, if I do go psycho again, it can only be because I lost my bracelet. My bracelet is my happy place. I'd like to keep it on.

So, class, how does one get a psycho person no one can approach back into her happy place?

Easy!

TELL HER TO GO FIND THE FUCKING BRACELET!

I talked to you guys for hours and no one even suggested this! ~~Only Suzaku did. Because Suzaku is wonderful.~~

Anyway, now that that's cleared up, on to happier things.

I went shoe-shopping the other day. I got lots of cool boots. I also got a few more bras.

I also think I am going to try something, for the sake of my vocabulary. Apparently I have what's known as a "potty mouth" ~~Where they got the name for that is beyond me~~ and I swear too much. So I'm going to try and go without swearing for the rest of the time that I am female. If I do swear, I'll... cross-dress even when I'm a guy.

Okay? Starting... now.

060 + I believe we never die and that we're never born ... Seasons ... Madness ... Amen

2008-03-26T15:03:48Z

The child cries within, suffocating in the black poison of her own soul, drowning, crying. Until there's nothing left. She pines for her demon; where is her precious?

The girl
Where is my girl with golden eyes?
She speaks in Persian, she loves me
Seeping through my veins
Want it
Need it
Crave it
My girl

Forever is nothing
Join us
Come come come come to me
Good good good good boy
Nice and play with me

[[ooc; it bes psycho-Sasori tiem. Still a girl, btw; she just lost her bracelet or took it off by accident and now she's in her psycho-happy place. Fortunately she took it off in her office at home so she's got lots of puppet goods to keep her happy. She'll just post psycho prattle from there. Ahem. Proceed with caution, though.]]